LAUGHING WITH MY BARBER

I was with my barber the other day and got to exchange some interesting funny stories and jokes we heard during the last few weeks..

He told me that a priest once went into his barber shop, sat down, got a good haircut, thanked him, and asked how much he owed him. 

My barber said, 'Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, there is no charge for you.' 

The priest blessed my barber and said, 'Thank you very much' and went about his business.

The next day, 10 gold coins magically appeared on my barber's doorstep. 

A few days later, a Buddhist monk went in for a shave and a shine, and when the time came to pay, my barber said, 'No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, It's on the house.' 

The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep were 10 magnificent rubies. 

The following week a rabbi came in, got a haircut, went to pay and my barber said, 'No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace.' 

Then the next day, the barber opened his shop to find 10 Rabbis waiting for a haircut.

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My barber’s Pastor in charge of choir songs was going out of town so he couldn’t supervise the preparation for the next Sunday’s services. 

The choir conductor asked the Pastor what the first hymn would be. The latter said, “It depends. The general election will be this Tuesday, so the first hymn will depend on the result.  If the Republicans and the Tea Partiers win, it will be #823, “Now thank we all our God.” However, if the Democrats and the Labor Unions win put up # 758, “Go labor on, spend and be spent.”

“Okay. Oh, there’s just one thing,” said the conductor. “Suppose the Libertarians win, what number would you want me to put up?”

“In that circumstance,” said the Pastor, “Put up # 246, "God moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to perform."

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By flying to Asia President Obama is very glad to be away from the Tea Partiers in the U.S.  What he did not realize is that in India a Darjeeling Tea party is hosted; in Indonesia, a Black Tea party; in Korea, a Ginseng Tea party; and in Japan, a Green Tea party.

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My barber also told me about some of his favorite late night comments namely:

David Letterman: 1) “"The president is going to India. He’ll be traveling on Air Force One-Term."  2) "Republicans are in charge now. We all remember how well that worked last time."

Jimmy Fallon:  1) "Everyone is talking about the unemployment rate. This week it went up by about 65 Democrats."  2) "In his new book George Bush reveals that he considered dropping Dick Cheney in 2002 to show he was in charge, not Cheney. But then Cheney nixed the idea." 

Jimmy Kimmel: 1) "Our forefathers fought and died for our right to choose, and to honor them, today almost 12% of us went out and voted.” 2) "The Democrats lost the House. Big deal, a lot of Americans lost their houses. Why shouldn’t they?”

Jay Leno:  1) "Ohio Republican John Boehner will take over for Nancy Pelosi. Those are some big eyes to fill." 2) "The government will pump an additional $600 billion into the economy. I guess they have to make up for what Meg Whitman isn’t spending anymore."  3) "Not only did Meg Whitman lose, now she can’t find anybody to clean her house."

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My barber is predicting that the U.S. would have a woman President sooner than we expect.  More women are successfully getting involved in national politics.  Besides, there’s one advantage of electing a woman president of the U.S. 

I asked him what the advantage was and he answered, “We wouldn’t have to pay her as much.”

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Many Filipinos in San Francisco are very happy about the victory of the Giants winning the World Series after several decades of drought. As many if not more are those Filipinos who were happy about the results of the elections being part of the Browns for Brown campaign.

Baseball vs. Politics:  Similarity – Both are America’s pastime.  Difference – In baseball, you’re out when you’re caught stealing.

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“It was a terrific election,” my barber says.  “About one hundred million took time off to vote. Seventy-five million of them actually did.”

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My barber’s dream ran this way: “Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin were caught spying in Iran. The penalty was 100 lashes.  The punisher wanted to show some kindness to the three women so he allowed them to put something at their back.

When Nancy Pelosi was asked what to put in her back she said, “Nothing.” She received her lashes without a sound.

“What about you, Clinton?”

“Lotion and oil, please,” Clinton answered. She received the whip with much pain.

“What do you want on your back, Palin?” asked the punisher for the third time.

“Nancy Pelosi,” answered Palin.

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What is the difference between an American Democrat and an American Republican?

Alicia Moss described it this way:

An American Democrat: 

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.

The people you voted for then take tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.

You feel righteous and Barbara Streisand sings for you. 

An American Republican: 

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?